Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Not for post-lunch reading

So a couple weeks ago I ate a whole cheesecake, more or less. My cholesterol went up, I’m sure, but I didn’t gain an ounce. In fact, I’ve lost even more weight. Ten to fifteen pounds since Christmas. Without trying. Now, I’m lazy. I hate exercise. And I like eating. So that leaves me just one option:

Hello, parasites!

I’ve wondered for a while, but didn’t have what I assumed were typical worm symptoms. Until this morning when I found a pink wiggly on the shower floor. I had a mild panic attack, which brought back nasty memories of cleaning pig pens at the county fair...and then killed the offending creature. With shower cleaner, which must have hurt. Then I did some research. Of course. According to the “Where There is No Doctor” book, I have either whip or hookworms.

Sidenote: How do people live without this necessary tome? It covers everything from parasite infections to treating leprosy, nutrition, and informational tips like: “If you have a little money and want to help your child grow strong: do not buy him a soft drink or sweets-buy him 2 eggs or a handful of nuts.” To the side of this gem are hand drawn pictures of a NO CocaCola bottle and a YES egg and potato. Another one of my favorites is a cartoon with two frames. The first frame is of a graveyard with fifty crosses. The second frame is blank except for one cross. The text reads:
“Of 15,000 women who become pregnant, this many are likely to die from problems of pregnancy or childbirth (frame one). Of 15,000 women who take birth control pills, only 1 is likely to die from problems related to having taken the pills (frame 2). Conclusion: IT IS MUCH SAFER TO TAKE THE PILL THAN TO BECOME PREGNANT.”

Why do I think that somehow the message isn’t quite what they were going for???


Anyhow, when you’re sure you have worms, what’s the best thing to do? Well, I tried the mom approach and called a general practitioner. It seems all the doctors are on Carnaval vacation or recovering from hangovers...so that option is out. I’m losing weight because of the little buggers, so I might as well take advantage of them.

I’m baking cookies today. Chocolate chip batter (sans chocolate chips; I’m saving them for a special day) with pecans and cranberries. And maybe, if I feel nice, I’ll share them. But maybe I’ll just eat the whole batch myself.

Dang it, I deserve at least that much :)

2 comments:

mom said...

Here are my suggestions until you can get to the doctor. I found these on the internet and I know that an old-time remedy was to eat raw garlic. I always told you to wash your hands before eating ... and now, see what happens?

Take 1/2 tsp of powdered fenugreek seeds (dana methi) with water for a few days.
Eat a few tomatoes in the morning empty stomach.
Eat cranberries or papayas (paw paw) frequently. Fasting on raw pineapples for three days kills tapeworm. Cranberries, papaya and fresh pineapple contain enzymes that are anti-parasitic.
Fry 5-10 seeds of bitter melon (Karela) in a little ghee. Take 2-3 times a day.
Use cloves with every meal. It will help kill the eggs from parasites in the intestinal tract.
Pumpkin seeds and onions mixed with soy milk is a good remedy for worms.
For pinworms, eat bitter melon (bitter gourd, karela).
Drink 2 tsp of apple cider vinegar in a glass of water to prevent worms.
Eat only raw pineapples for three days to kill tapeworms.
The most effective treatment in the large intestine is to cleanse the colon with ozonated water and hydrogen peroxide by colonic irrigation.
Herbal Remedy: Herbal remedies work best on an empty stomach.
Take tincture of garlic, pomegranate or pumpkin seeds.

--jenna said...

thanks...i guess. i think maybe i'll just wait and see what the doctor says. raw pineapple for three days, drinking fenugreek seeds, etc...or taking a couple of pills? the latter, with a vengeance!